when a heart breaks, it don't break even

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a god that I really believe in
His best days will be some of my worst
While I'm wide awake he's no trouble sleeping

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
You got her heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
Coz he's moved on while I'm still grieving
One still in love while the other ones leaving

Now I'm try to make sense of what little remains
Coz you left me with no love, no love to my name
I'm falling to pieces
When a heart breaks it don't break even


. . .

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in
Cos I got time while she got freedom
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even

Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man that's gonna put her 1st
While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you
What am I supposed to say when I'm all choked up and you're ok
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
Cos she's moved on while I'm still grieving
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven

What am I suppose to do when the best part of me was always you
What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and your ok
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces
(One still in love while the other ones leaving
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven)

You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I'm tryna make sense of what little remains
Cos you left me with no love, no love to my name.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in
Cos I got tI'me while she got freedom
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you
What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and your ok
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces
(One still in love while the other ones leaving
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven)

The Script - breakeven

aadk!

aadk, alias ade ape dengan kecoak! 

since my first step entering this new room (not exactly my room, lets just say my temporary shelter), it crossed my mind that something is right with this room..

why?

i saw a dead cockroach on the floor.. stop dead, in a good shape, more like natural death (is it that important to describe that thing? )

and few days later, i saw a cockroach trying to crawl, and out of balance, and... dead after few minutes later..

see, something is so right! (well nothing wrong with it, isnt it?)

and few days after i saw another dead body of cockroach lying on the floor..

same thing happen again after few days.

five victims of cockroach already.

and no need to kill them.

they just.. surrender them selves and die..

i wonder is there any equipment plugged in this room?

(i once saw a commecial about an equipment using sound to get rid of bugs and insects)

but, i found nothing like it here..

today i found another cockroach lying, not moving, i assume it is dead.

and i was too happy!!

until..

one cockroach crawling on the wall when i start cooking, it came from under the stove..

and go up.. up.. up.. to the ceiling..

leave the room peacefully..

i was soo shocked! 

how come!

something wrong!

cockroach is not suppose to live in this room..

and one more cockroach came out from the same place, and crawling on the wall, following the trace of the previous cockroach.

ooh gosh..

what a horrifying experience..

please, make it right again 

pulkam

Start:	Jun 30, '09
End:	Jul 20, '09
Location:	pondok kelapa, jakarta timur

dear family and friends..
here i cooooomeee!!!

Just a reminder

that live is wonderful..

if u r in pain, feeling hurt, or facing any difficulties in ur life,
just remember,
that it takes no time to fall in love but it takes u years to know what love is.
that it takes some good to make it hurt and it takes same bad for satisfaction.
that it takes a lost before u found it and it takes a hole to make a mountain.
and i believe,
that life is wonderful,
life is meaningful,
and life goes full circle..

what goes around, always comes around :)

. . .

It takes a crane to build a crane
It takes two floors to make a storie
It takes an egg to make a hen
It takes a hen to make an egg
There is no end to what I'm saying

It takes a thought to make a word
And it takes some words to make an action
And it takes some work to make it work
It takes some good to make it hurt
It takes some bad for satisfaction

Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la la life goes full circle
Ah la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la

It takes a night to make it dawn
And it takes a day to make you young brother
And it takes some old to make you young
It takes some cold to know the sun
It takes the one to have the other

And it takes no time to fall in love
But it takes you years to know what love is
And it takes some fears to make you trust
It takes those tears to make it rust
It takes the dust to have it polished

Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la la life goes full circle
Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la
It is so..
It is so..

It takes some silence to make sound
And it takes a lost before you found it
And it takes a road to go nowhere
It takes a toll to show you care
It takes a hole to make a mountain

Ah la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la life goes full circle
Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la life is meaningful
Ah la la la la la la life is wonderful
Ah la la la la la

Jason Mraz - Life Is Wonderful

yesterday and today

yesterday,
i really want to hug you..
but i was afraid what you will do..

and today..
i encourage my self just to put my head on your arm..
but it was a mistake..
isnt it..

if i even cant put my head on your arms
how can i hug you?

why?
why i cant?

because of religion that we both believe in?

or simply because i am not your wife,
because i am not a part of your personal family.

i spend lot of days hugging you..
expressing any feelings to you..
how can u expect me to change now?

too difficult na?

is it too difficult for you to wait for me?

don't u think my delay also caused by you?

but again u will say "i am a rational person"

yes, you are rational but become not rational when related with her.

you can wait for hours only for her.

but no, not for me.

oh i forgot that i am joining you, only joining.. 

so whenever u will have i should follow.

but u did not consider me when making plans.

aaah

again, stupid and unnecessary thinking..

especially for this time..

sigh

Rossa_ft._Pasha_-_Terlanjur_Cinta__Super_HQ_Audio_Video_.flv

u knew

u knew about this feelings..

since a long time ago..

we sometime talk about it

or make fun of it..

and it never messing our relationship..

but why suddenly all of it becomes a really big matters??

what did i do wrong now?

why things changed?

me wondering.

fate, destiny, or simply a coincidence?

Yesterday she told me everything..

The things that i once heard from him..

but of course, in different perspective.. hers..

she also told me her real thoughts, the thinking she once had.

the thoughts that make me feel.. not able to stand still hearing it (am i too protective on him?)..

than a thought crossed my mine..

so this whole story of life is a fate, a destiny, or simply a coincidence?

It was started from firm discussion between us, about feelings, about how i don't understand how deep their feelings are, and how i can't accept this because i do know how it feels to have a deep feelings toward others, especially towards him..

i do understand the passion they have, the passion i have.. same.. but different in our own ways..

of course i didn't tell her anything about my feelings, i use metaphores, and sharing some true events that finally convince her..

well it was her fault because her understanding about love before is never is love..

Broken Dreams

As children bring their broken toys

With tears for us to mend

I brought my broken dreams to God

Because HE is my possesor

But then instead of leaving HIM

In peace to work alone

I hung around and tried to help

With ways that were my own

At last I snatched them back and cried

How could YOU be so slow? I wept

My child, HE said,

What could I do? you never did let go

love

don't you dare to say my love is not a love..

don't you dare to say my love is just a bullshit..

don't you dare to say that i don't know what is love..

tell me what do you mean by love..

tell me how you describe love..

tell me how the love feeling you have for her..

and tell me why you can say it love while mine is not..

i believe love comes in many different forms..

love for a person is different with love for another person..

my love for you is not the same with my love with the previous one..

maybe for now i can say that my love for you is the greatest than all of the love i ever had before..

even than other love i had to other human being..

and my love is sincere..

i can convince my self to do anything for you, even when it hurt my heart..

all i want is to make you happy..

it is true that i want you to love me..

sometime i am thinking how i can make you falling for me..

but it is useless.. 

isn't it..
nothing i can do to make u look at me in that way..

nothing about me is ever good enough to be your life pair..

when you love someone..

you cannot force that someone to love you back..

love is a game that difficult to play..

i keep insert coin again and again..

and wishing to win the jackpot..

maybe i played on the wrong slot machine..

but i also can't imagine my self playing other machine..

it is u..

u and only u..

i love you.. with every beat of my heart..

uncomparable

it is not because i am comparing my self with her..

i know it is uncomparable.

i am the gold, and she is the diamond..

it is just i am missing you,

i am missing the fake feeling of love that sometime you give me every now and then..

because i realize that the fake feeling has become the food of my soul that yearning for you.

that can make my heart resting for a while.

just a gentle touch of your hand..

or a wipe on my head..

a soft and mild slap from you..

or a pat on my butt

a light and sudden hug from you..

or a tender kiss on my forehead..

no need for you to draw a future with me

just a plan of yours to make me be with you longer..

to show that you want me to stay..

only simple actions showing your caring feelings..

i know it is not love..

but for me it is enough..

is it wrong to ask you giving me that fake feelings..

only for a little while..

only until our time or togetherness ends..

i could not ask you this out loud..

but may i..

please..

you and your cold shoulder

Again, I play the role of fool,
Just for you..

.. You grace me with your cold shoulder,
Whenever you look at me I wish I was her..

. . .

You say it’s all in my head
And the things I think just don’t make sense
So where you been then? Don’t go all coy
Don’t turn it round on me like it’s my fault

See I can see that look in your eyes
The one that shoots me each and every time

You grace me with your cold shoulder
Whenever you look at me I wish I was her

You shower me with words made of knives
Whenever you look at me I wish I was her

These days when I see you
You make it look like I’m see-through
Do tell me why you waste our time
When your heart ain’t admitting you’re not satisfied

You know I know just how you feel
I’m starting to find myself feeling that way too

When you grace me with your cold shoulder
Whenever you look at me I wish I was her

You shower me with words made of knives
Whenever you look at me I wish I was her

Time and time again, I play the role of fool
(Just for you)
Even in the daylight when you're dreaming
(I see you)
Try to look for things I hear but our eyes never find
‘Though I do know how you play

You grace me with your cold shoulder
Whenever you look at me I wish I was her

You shower me with words made of knives
Whenever you look at me I wish I was her

You grace me with your cold shoulder
Whenever you look at me I wish I was her

You shower me with words made of knives
Whenever you look at me I wish I was her

Adele - Cold Shoulder

not the producer nor the director

we can have dreams,
we can have ambitions,
we can have passions..

we can select an option from many,
we can choose which way to take in an intersection,
we can decide how we want to live our life..

but we are only scriptwriters..

we are not the producer,
not or the director..

we can try to write our own script of life,
but at the end it is what the director said matters..

dear my producer..
dear my director..
the script that i am trying to write might not the best..
but believing something better will come is just too difficult for now..
please help me to believe..

beautifully imperfect

In the end is these small things that you will remember,
the little imperfections that make them perfect..
as beautifully imperfect as you.

- taken from the video for beautifully imperfect contest


For every moment we cherished..
For every moment that will stay in our memory..
There will be no one else that as beautifully imperfect as you..

My dearest loved one..

dreams

Quote of the Day:

"Life indeed has a way of breeding excellent dreams;
It also has a way of cutting them short"
-Edsel Sajor

A dream that I wish I never had,
A dream that will never be come true and still I will never forget,
Is a dream to spend the rest of my life with you..

a letter to U

dear U,

the thing that makes me sad lately

is because there is no U in my future..

even how hard i try to find, but still U is not there..

even how much i want to fit it in, still a U not suit in..

more sadly,

there is never a ME in your mind when you think about future..

not a dream, not an imagination, not even a small and light thinking

not ever, 

there is no room for a ME inside..

it feels too difficult when i can count how much time we have left..

and feels more difficult when i realize that everything will never be the same anymore..

why i cant have more time with you..

please stop the time, and let me enjoy this moment..

with you..

ME.

with a hope that ME and U are two pieces of puzzle that fit together

i do like to under-estimate today

Today there was a guest speaker from UNESCO at our career fair..
his speech was really inspirational..
one of the things he said that i cant get out from my head is that people do like to over-exaggerate yesterday, over-estimate tomorrow and under-estimate today..
well..
i am one of those people..
i do like to over-exaggerate yesterday.. the good old days he said.. living in past memories..
i do also like to over-estimate tomorrow.. making promises to my self that i will do lots of things tomorrow.. keep delaying to do some works.. keep saying to my self.. i will do it tomorrow..
and yes i do like to under-estimate today.. and always says "entar dulu ah".. or in english.. "i will do it later".. like now.. i still don;t want to work.. because i have wasted another day.. and i don;t feel like working.. keep saying tomorrow i will wake up early, and start working.. but tonight.. lets watch one movie..

oh well...
it is who i am..
a deadliners...

a wish

i wish i can capture every moment we spent...

and remember every second precisely..
because i realize our time is getting shorter and shorter..
while you become more beautiful every time..

the changes in me

I am changing, through the time..
Some are good, and some are not so good (never say bad )
But mostly caused by my environment changes..
One of the example that i recently notice that my fear of dogs are now reduced.
Yes i am afraid of dogs.
Most possible it is because as muslims we are not suppose to get close with dogs due to their saliva that are categorized as najis.
And in my home town dogs are scary. They barks loudly, a thatnd like to chase human.
But here, dogs are everywhere.. Thai people loooove dogs. they feed them, play with them, even when it is kampung dogs or budug dogs that swim at wastewater treatment pond

Seeing dogs here is just like seeing cats in Indonesia.
They walk freely, and they are in every corner of the street..
At first I got crazy every time i saw dogs near me..
And the think that make it worst is they (the dogs) seem to know when we are afraid of them, and start to barks, or following us.
But now i changed. I adapt.
Now I stayed cool when a dog pass me by. Or at least try to be as cool as possible.
Even when my professor's huge golden retriever come towards me this morning at my morning run time, only because i give him a sour smile (senyum kecut maksutnya, hehehe) as my heart beats faster..
He was unleashed, but luckily the prfessor's wife was there and called him because she notice that i start to walking backward..
But still... I stayed cooooool

life

if i m the kind of life partner you always want..
why i will never able to replace her in your heart..

spectator

mereka bergandeng tangan
mereka bertengkar
mereka hancur
mereka kembali berjalan bersama

i'm not a participant
i'm just simply a spectator

karma

it feels like just few days ago me and him talk about emails from other student that lost their atm..
we said "how could they forget to take their atm card? it doesn't make sense! if you lost your wallet it can be understand.. but loosing only atm card???"
and we keep making fun of it..

but then..
just yesterday i did what we called as stupid mistake..

yep..
i lost my atm card..

as i remember.. last time i use it was on friday, 2pm..
when i try to rewind my memory on to that time, i was not in a hurry..
and i think i put the atm card back to my wallet, because i also put the money in..
and yesterday afternoon im going to take some money and just realize that the card is not there..
it feels like my heart stopped..
and then i panicked..

first thing i did was rushing to the bank and print my bank book..
(well, it was saturday and bank was close, so printing is my only option)
but how unlucky i am, because my bank book run out of pages..
so i can't check my last balance..

finally after calming down my self i called the customer service..
and surprisingly, they have excellent english which is really rare in this country..
so, they've canceled my card, and thank God the balance is still the same..

next thing to do in the morning is go to the bank and make new card..
which will cost me 300baht..
hiiiks..

is it a karma?
i don't think so, because we shouldnt believe in karma, right?
but the lesson learn is don't say anyone is fool because you might also be like them someday..
so i take my words back..
people who loosing their atm card is not a fool

please don't ignore me

Do you think you are better off alone??

Talk to me..

Please..

Don't treat me like your worst enemy..

. . .

Alice Deejay - Better Off Alone

ku akan..

I'll be..
All you have to do is ask..

. . .

The strands in your eyes that color them wonderful
Stop me and steal my breath
Emeralds from mountains thrust towards the sky
Never revealing their depth

Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated, I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above

And I'll be your crying shoulder
I'll be loves suicide
I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life

Rain falls angry on the tin roof
As we lie awake in my bed
You're my survival, you're my living proof
My love is alive not dead

Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated, I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above

And I'll be your crying shoulder
I'll be loves suicide
I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life

And I've dropped out, burned up, fought my way back from the dead
Tuned in, turned on, remembered the thing that you said

And I'll be your crying shoulder
I'll be loves suicide
I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your
I'll be your crying shoulder

I'll be loves suicide
I'll be better when I'm older
I'll be the greatest fan of your life
The greatest fan of your life
The greatest fan of your life

Edwin McCain - I'll Be

something's wrong

yesterday i saw a smile in your face,
one time, yes, only one time,
and it is not because of me..

i've tried to make you draw another curve on your face,
but i failed.

i know there is something wrong..
i keep asking but ended up with no answer..

why you keep everything for your self..
can't you share anything anymore with me..
why i can't be the one who can make you smile..
make you feel comfort..
ease the tension in you, even for a little bit
why i can't make any different in you like what you did to me..

milik mu

Open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love

I won't hesitate no more..
It cannot wait,
I'm yours..

So I won't hesitate no more
It cannot wait I'm sure

There's no need to complicate
Please don't,
There's no need to complicate

Our time is short
This is our fate,
I'm yours!

. . .

Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
Now I'm trying to get back

Before the cool done run out
I'll be giving it my bestest
And nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some

But I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love

Listen to the music of the moment people dance and sing
We're just one big family
And It's our God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love loved

So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

Scooch on over closer dear
And i will nibble your ear

I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and laughed

I guess what I'm be saying is there ain't no better reason
To rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do
Our name is our virtue

But I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait
I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find that the sky is yours

Please don't, please don't, please don't
There's no need to complicate
Cause our time is short
This oh this this is out fate, I'm yours!

I'm Yours - Jason Mraz

hunting duren

Setelah bergabung sejenak di rapat permitha,
akhirnya saya melarikan diri bersama gerombolan lainnya..

sasarannya adalah hunting duren..

karna belum musimnya, makhluk bernama duren sangat sulit ditemui..
padahal kalo lagi membludak di kantin kampus pun ada..

datanglah tawaran untuk mencari keberadaan duren di pasar induk dekat kampus..
tawaran yang sungguh menggiurkan bila dibandingkan dengan rapat yang.. begitulah...

setelah menggoes sepeda cukup jauh, dan tak lupa NGANGKAT sepedah naik turun jembatan penyebrangan, nyampe juga kami disana..
ketemu lah tempat jualan duren..
banyaaaaaak durennya..
tapi sayangnya tak ada yang suk suk mak mak.. alias mateng..

akhirnya nemu juga satu duren yang agak mateng, meskipun harus melewati perjuangan mengelilingi pasar duren dan mendatangi satu persatu tempat jualan..
lumayan, dari pada pulang dengan tangan kosong..
duren kami beli dengan harga 25baht per kilo buat yang belum dikupas,
sedangkan yang udah dikupas gak tau juga perkilo nya berapa..

setelah memborong duren dengan total harga 260baht, kami ber9 pun nongkring menghabiskan duren dengan kalapnya..
itung2 mengisi perut dan mengisi energi untuk ngegoes sepedah balik kekampus..
badan sudah hangat..
sudah sanggup ngebut menghindari anjing2 yang menggonggong dan siap mengejar.. hehehe

akhirnya tau juga tempat jual duren di talad thai..
wi hiiii...

salam hangat dari kami ber9 dan dari si ibu2 penjual duren (yang mejeng paling depan)

i dont want

why can't you understand that i don't want to..
and keep making excuses..

why you need to ask me directly in front of others..
i think you know the answer why.
yes... because it is for me and you. and not for others.

i acted like i don't want something,
and i keep talking something else so i don't need to explain it.

which part of it that you don't understand?

bastard

I cant stop thinking,
What everyone else will think if they found out about us,
and the story about our game.

"you damn lucky bastard"

maybe.

but don't you dare to make me dreaming.
because it will be too beautiful..

apple

it is not the apple of adam and eve
it is ours

thank you jaan..

drink it

you said you are not an alcoholic drinker..
but i know you are..

yes, you are not suppose to drink any kind of alcohol..
but i know that white wine is your favorite..

you can't resist the temptation of drinking white wine..
you will always look for one..
and a sip of sparkling white wine can always brightened up you day..

however, only a glass of red wine is served in front of you,
every day..
you also like it..
you enjoy it..
but when you come to your senses that you are not allowed to drink..
you can stop your self..
but you will again take it after..

so dear,
don't claim your self as not an alcoholic drinker..
because i know you drink that white wine even when you said you wont..
i don't need to ask to know..

and i will give you a glass of red wine every day..
oh yes i will..
even though i know it is a glass of sparkling white wine that you are yearning for..
because deep down i hope you will also taste the wine i gave
and addicted to it

told ya

You can say that i'm heart-less,
or a numb person,
but i'm sorry, i have no regrets..

even how many times we wash our hands..
it cannot be completely clean..

and the worst part is..
i really do like it..
and really do cherish every part of it

is gonna be alright

Don't worry, about a thing..
Cause every little thing is gonna be alright..
Yes, every little thing is gonna be alright..

I keep singing it..
inside my heart..

December 31st, 2008
11.00 am

. . .

Don't worry about a thing,
cause every little thing is gonna be all right.
Singing: don't worry about a thing,
cause every little thing is gonna be all right!

Rise up this morning,
Smiled with the rising sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singing sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Saying, (this is my message to you-ou-ou:)

Singing: don't worry about a thing,
cause every little thing is gonna be all right.
Singing: don't worry (don't worry) about a thing,
cause every little thing is gonna be all right!

Rise up this morning,
Smiled with the rising sun,
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep
Singing sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Saying, this is my message to you-ou-ou:

Singing: don't worry about a thing, worry about a thing, oh!
Every little thing is gonna be all right. don't worry!
Singing: don't worry about a thing - I wont worry!
cause every little thing is gonna be all right.

Singing: don't worry about a thing,
cause every little thing is gonna be all right - I wont worry!
Singing: don't worry about a thing,
cause every little thing is gonna be all right.
Singing: don't worry about a thing, oh no!
cause every little thing is gonna be all right!

Connie Talbot - Three Little Birds

roti lapis

Thank you for playing..
and be a sandwich..

i really do thankful..

We will do better..
And try our best to keep it clean..

full moon

I look at the sky..
There is a full moon..
Shining really bright in the pathumthani sky..

Is it a sign of the new beginning?
Is it represent the optimism of a clean new chapter of our lives?

But..
Can we really wash our dirty hands,
Like nothing wrong ever happen?

Saturday, January 10th 2009
3 am sharp

dirty water

You ask me:
"Why do you want to play in dirty water?"

Dear,
I am not a saint that playing in dirty water..
Don't get fooled by the clarity it shows.
The pure look-a-like water has an undefined taste.
It is not a clean water.
It never is.

I am me.
Don't think that what u did is for my best interest.
Because for me, it is not making any good.
It destroys me.

Don't decide what is right and wrong for me.
Just let me be me.
And just accept me for who i am.
I never ask anything in return.