too difficult na?

is it too difficult for you to wait for me?

don't u think my delay also caused by you?

but again u will say "i am a rational person"

yes, you are rational but become not rational when related with her.

you can wait for hours only for her.

but no, not for me.

oh i forgot that i am joining you, only joining.. 

so whenever u will have i should follow.

but u did not consider me when making plans.

aaah

again, stupid and unnecessary thinking..

especially for this time..

sigh

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u knew

u knew about this feelings..

since a long time ago..

we sometime talk about it

or make fun of it..

and it never messing our relationship..

but why suddenly all of it becomes a really big matters??

what did i do wrong now?

why things changed?

me wondering.

fate, destiny, or simply a coincidence?

Yesterday she told me everything..

The things that i once heard from him..

but of course, in different perspective.. hers..

she also told me her real thoughts, the thinking she once had.

the thoughts that make me feel.. not able to stand still hearing it (am i too protective on him?)..

than a thought crossed my mine..

so this whole story of life is a fate, a destiny, or simply a coincidence?

It was started from firm discussion between us, about feelings, about how i don't understand how deep their feelings are, and how i can't accept this because i do know how it feels to have a deep feelings toward others, especially towards him..

i do understand the passion they have, the passion i have.. same.. but different in our own ways..

of course i didn't tell her anything about my feelings, i use metaphores, and sharing some true events that finally convince her..

well it was her fault because her understanding about love before is never is love..

Broken Dreams

As children bring their broken toys

With tears for us to mend

I brought my broken dreams to God

Because HE is my possesor

But then instead of leaving HIM

In peace to work alone

I hung around and tried to help

With ways that were my own

At last I snatched them back and cried

How could YOU be so slow? I wept

My child, HE said,

What could I do? you never did let go

love

don't you dare to say my love is not a love..

don't you dare to say my love is just a bullshit..

don't you dare to say that i don't know what is love..

tell me what do you mean by love..

tell me how you describe love..

tell me how the love feeling you have for her..

and tell me why you can say it love while mine is not..

i believe love comes in many different forms..

love for a person is different with love for another person..

my love for you is not the same with my love with the previous one..

maybe for now i can say that my love for you is the greatest than all of the love i ever had before..

even than other love i had to other human being..

and my love is sincere..

i can convince my self to do anything for you, even when it hurt my heart..

all i want is to make you happy..

it is true that i want you to love me..

sometime i am thinking how i can make you falling for me..

but it is useless.. 

isn't it..
nothing i can do to make u look at me in that way..

nothing about me is ever good enough to be your life pair..

when you love someone..

you cannot force that someone to love you back..

love is a game that difficult to play..

i keep insert coin again and again..

and wishing to win the jackpot..

maybe i played on the wrong slot machine..

but i also can't imagine my self playing other machine..

it is u..

u and only u..

i love you.. with every beat of my heart..

uncomparable

it is not because i am comparing my self with her..

i know it is uncomparable.

i am the gold, and she is the diamond..

it is just i am missing you,

i am missing the fake feeling of love that sometime you give me every now and then..

because i realize that the fake feeling has become the food of my soul that yearning for you.

that can make my heart resting for a while.

just a gentle touch of your hand..

or a wipe on my head..

a soft and mild slap from you..

or a pat on my butt

a light and sudden hug from you..

or a tender kiss on my forehead..

no need for you to draw a future with me

just a plan of yours to make me be with you longer..

to show that you want me to stay..

only simple actions showing your caring feelings..

i know it is not love..

but for me it is enough..

is it wrong to ask you giving me that fake feelings..

only for a little while..

only until our time or togetherness ends..

i could not ask you this out loud..

but may i..

please..